Breaking the Cycle of Abuse

Published October 7, 2024 in The Press Democrat for Close to Home

“It stops here. With me and you. It ends with us.”

These are the poignant final words of Lily, the lead character in Colleen Hoover’s best-selling novel, “It Ends with Us.” Spoken to her newborn baby, Lily’s declaration symbolizes her vow to break the cycle of abuse she has endured at the hands of her partner, her baby’s father.

To the reader, Lily does not appear fit the profile of someone who would fall victim to abuse. She’s smart, college educated, and industrious enough to start her own business in Boston after moving there from her small hometown. She meets Kyle, an attractive neurosurgeon and they embark on a heartwarming, fairytale romance – that is until Kyle becomes physically and emotionally abusive.

Published in 2019, “It Ends with Us,” has sold eight million copies. This summer, a film version, starring Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni, earned over $242 million worldwide at the box office. Despite its success, the movie has its critics. One reviewer complained that the story “romanticizes red-flags and glorifies a charismatic-yet-dangerous-man.” But the sad truth is that abusive relationships often begin as love and deteriorate from there, ending up in a dark place where the violence becomes deeply woven into the fabric of their lives. That often leaves victims struggling with the agonizing choice of whether to leave someone they love who is also hurting them.

The popularity of the book and movie has the potential to bring greater understanding and perspective to the way the average person views abusive relationships. There is often a lot at stake in these situations – including, but not limited to, the welfare of children. YWCA Sonoma County’s local domestic violence advocates and counselors know all too well that it is not easy to leave a violent relationship. So does Hoover, the “It Ends with Us” author, who says her novel was based on the real-life abusive relationship of her mother and father, making it was, “the hardest book I’ve ever written.”

One early childhood memory that remains with Hoover is of hiding in her room with her sister and peeking out to witness her father throwing a television at her mother. Although her mother did leave her father, he remained in the lives of Hoover and her sisters. Reflecting on the success of the movie, the author has said she wants everyone who identifies with Lily, or knows someone like Lily, to leave the theater feeling hopeful.  

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, a time for our local community to consider that one in three women, one in four men and nearly half of LGBTQ+ residents will experience domestic violence. Established in 1976, YWCA’s 24/7 Domestic Violence Crisis Hotline is the only one in Sonoma County and still the most direct path to support for local residents. Safety planning and strategies to ensure relief are at the forefront of every call we receive (the number to call is 546-1234). We also operate a confidential Safe House shelter, the only one in Sonoma County for adults and children seeking refuge from harm.

At YWCA Sonoma County, we know that our mission is personal to our community and, like Hoover, strive to inspire hope. We’ve created our fundraiser, the “Y I Run” Fun Run & Walk, with that in mind. On Saturday, October 26th at Spring Lake in Santa Rosa, YWCA and our supporters will pay tribute to victims by answering the question of “Y I Run” on each individual runner’s tag. Participants will be encouraged to write “for my sister”, or “for my brother,” my mom, my dad, my friend, my co-worker, etc.  Register to join us and learn more at ywcasc.org.

For nearly five decades, YWCA has answered the call of our local community, and we will be here as long as Sonoma County needs us. It ends with us.

Madeleine Keegan O’Connell is Chief Executive Officer, YWCA Sonoma County. www.ywcasc.org